You’re speeding down the dried fruits and nuts aisle with a shopping basket in one hand, a bag of oversized tortilla chips in the other, and a bawling five-year old hanging off your arm. You just whip round the pumpkin tower display near the front when your heels skid to a halt. You backtrack, slowly. You squint your eyes down the yogurt aisle, paying no attention to the increasingly hysterical wails coming from that wonderful $500,000 investment called Your Kid.
It isn’t. It couldn’t be. Or is it? Is that…Ala?
If you’re a normal sociable human being, which I’m betting you are, you’d probably come right up to me and ask. But on the off chance you’re plain stalker stranger-shy like I can be when I know someone who doesn’t know I exist, the following is a list of 10 failproof ways to know you’ve met the real deal.
1. I am making the most intense small talk you have ever witnessed, be it with a cashier, fellow customer, or random kitty cat.
Some people hate making small talk. I have some friends who dread it so much, they’d rather face the terrors of a dysfunctional self-checkout system than allow any cashier to thrust them into a doomed discussion of how hot it’s been lately.
I am not one of these people.
I love small talk. Probably to a fault, though most folks brighten up when we get a good conversation about their day or some new event going. I’ve actually scored some pretty awesome friendships and date nights just by showing that I’m interested in the other person as a fellow human being. Yeah, I’m one of those people. My friends make fun of me every time we go shopping together because for about 2 minutes, I will inevitably become BFF’s with whichever stranger I am conversing with at the moment. It makes me feel both embarrassed and like a freakin’ superheroine.
So innocent bystanders beware: if you strike up a conversation with me about the lovely puce shade of the organic hierloom tomatoes, I will reply. And my enthusiasm for said tomatoes may be creepy as hell.
2. I greet you like I’m a British man. Or more like a British eunuch in falsetto, really.
In my second year in college, for reasons that remain completely inexplicable to me even now, a few friends and I developed a trademark way of saying “hi” that made us sound like faux-accented drag queens. It sounds something like this:
I bet you’re all just dying to play that ten times in quick succession, amiright? And yes, I actually took all of 10 minutes to record, re-record, and re-re-record that so you could identify me perfectly.
I tend to lapse into this greeting when I’m surprised or downright terrified (I said it loads of times as I sprinted through last year’s haunted theme park–it cracked my friends up to no end). My terror “hi” shoots up a few octaves like this:
God, I’m such a dork with no love life.
Anyway, so if you’re a little bit sadistic and reaaaaally want to find out if it’s me, the easiest first step is to hide in a trash can and leap out to scare me and listen for that “hoaiiiiii” squeal-reflex of mine. I can’t guarantee your safety, but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing your nose was broken by a friendly food blogger, right?
3. I’m double-fisting samples at the free sample counter.
Most people listen politely to the apron-and-gloved worker explaining what it is exactly you’re eating, how much it sells for, where you can find it in the store, and so forth.
Then there’s me. Yeah, I’m that short rude girl up front sneaking back in line at Costco for a third round of freezable strawberry cheesecake bites. This picture is a pretty accurate representation.
4. On that note: ice cream gets double-fisted, too.
What do you think: meme-worthy?
5. My nose is buried in a ginormous hardcover library book with a title like Taylored Lives: Narrative Productions in the Age of Taylor, Veblen, and Ford, and I appear blithely unaware of the world surrounding me. I am also wearing a cuddly Pooh bear shirt.
We call it “academic idiosyncracy.” Most normal people just call it weird.
If I’m not toting around a huge library book that has a fat title (with colon!) emblazoned on the spine, I feel pretty much naked. So I have one, because I don’t like to feel naked, and I’m pretty sure you don’t want me around you while I’m feeling naked. It’s not a pleasant experience, I can tell you.
Fun fact: my books at home fill up about 4 giant bookshelves in total. I keep all my library research books on this shelf:
…annnnd I keep all my other books inside my closet. Next to my clothes. Because you know, they’re basically the same thing. Nakedness and stuff.
6. I am standing in front of the cookie butter section of Trader Joe’s and having a really intense debate with myself about my self-worth as an adult human being.
In other words, this happens:
Or this:
7. I’m grinning at my phone. You peek over my shoulder and realize that the screen is blank. You slowly back away before crazy grin lady notices you.
Okay. So I actually do this a LOT, and I swear it’s not because I’m a crazy grin lady. I walk around deep in thought most of the time when I’m by myself, so it’s likely I’m thinking about this adorable cat video or this absolutely hilarious animated drunk joke about two tortilla chips and completely oblivious to your presence. Sometimes I just realize that life is amazing and grin because–okay, that does sound a little crazy.
Sometimes when I get bored, I also stare at the home screen on my phone and grin just to make people think I’m reaaaally happy. Because I mess with people like that.
Yeah. You can back away slowly now.
8. I audibly squeal when a Disney movie trailer comes on in the store.
I mean, have you SEEN the latest Disney movie, Big Hero 6? I have. And I’m seeing it again this Friday right before we watch the Hunger Games premier.
So yes. I like Disney ALOT. (Please click that Alot link, otherwise you will just think I’m flunky English PhD student whoo cant shpell.)
9. You show me this picture and I suddenly think you are the coolest person in the world.
And finally…
10. You witness a grocery store musical flash mob.
Puh-leeze: I like invented the flash mob.
Happy Tuesday, everyone! I hope you all enjoyed this little break from my usual fare–I had loads of fun writing it and will get my butt back into the kitchen soon. I swear. Until then…hoooiii!
😀 Really funny. Thanks.
Hehe, I had devious fun with this one. Glad you enjoyed it, John!
haha i, too, am a free sample double fister 🙂 lol
Caralyn, I love you already, lady! I’m hopping over to your blog–one double-fister to another, you know 😉
Oh dear… if we ever find ourselves in the same city, we need to hang out! I LOVE small talk, too, it makes me cheery and smiley for hours afterwards, and what’s totally weird is that although I’m a fairly shy person I have no qualms striking up random conversations with strangers. I also gravitate towards free samples like a magnet… and books! The fatter the better, though I have to say I prefer paperbacks since you can lug around *more* books.
Myriam, you sound like just the funnest person ever. YES, we would totally bond over the free samples! And seriously, sometimes I’m so comfortable around strangers (but not around acquaintances–hence the wallflower designation!) that it’s really weird. I guess there’s something refreshing about knowing nobody will think it’s out of character for you! And I’ve recently taken to my Kindle, to be honest, even though I couldn’t stand the idea for a while…it keeps all my favs in my purse!
I’ll be that person double fisting samples next to you! And triple fisting if we’re talking ice cream. For real.
Pahaha–I’ll stand there and be your third first, hear hear. Anytime, girl. Anytime.
I feel like I know everything about you know… You are one of those people I know I would be friends with because I can go ahead and be my own brand of crazy around you and know it will be balanced out by your own kind of crazy and it will be crazy cool
Amanda, that was just about the sweetest thing you could ever have left in a comment. Know that I would be SO ecstatic to meet you–if we’re ever in the same area, you just HAVE to let me know so we can make that happen! I don’t know about cool, but being crazy with other fun folks is definitely a specialty of mine 😉 xoxo to you!
ohhhhh so YOU were creeper who kept trying to make small talk while i was desperately trying to run away 😉 jkjk talk about free samples and i’ll totally keep the conversation going because FREE SAMPLES YES 😛 we could even discuss ways to get more free samples without being judged #noshame
I’ll know to approach you bearing a fat tray of cheesecake bites stolen from the hapless Costco employee. Girlllll we wouldn’t even need to small talk, it’d be big talk for us all the way!!! If we’re ever in the same area you just HAVE to let me know so we can make that happen!
You write the BEST posts, Ala! What a fun list…I feel like I’ve met you 😉
Daww, the very same to you, Liz! I do feel like we met–we have, haven’t we? 🙂
My bookshelf looks like that. Actually, there is a second layer hidden behind the first. If you pull out a book from my shelf, you’ll notice that there’s more behind my books. And then I ran out of space so I got into the habit of storing books where my clothes should have been, my drawers.
I’m grinning at phone, but that’s probably because I’m reading a funny scene from a book. That doesn’t stop the people on the bus from giving me funny looks.
As for Costco samples? My sister says that if you want to go on a cheap date, just go to Costco and try all the samples =)
And I’m so hooked on Disney movies and happily ever afters. I was the ones super excited to watch Frozen and Maleficent. lol.
Oh! And have you seen the trailer for the new Cinderella movie?
Ohh we’d get along just fine! Are you absolutely SURE we haven’t met somewhere already? (Funny, the Michael Buble song “I Just Haven’t Met You Yet” came on just as I started typing this sentence–hehe!). I love love love your love for books–what’s on your shelf these days? Also, Costco dates are completely my forte. We’ll have to watch a Disney movie together as well because Frozen was awesome and I’m such a huge animation freak! I DID see the Cinderella trailer…looks a little bit too much like the other live action adaptations though, IMO, but I guess we’ll have to see. I’ve seen the play version of Into the Woods, though, and I’m looking forward to that! It has Emily Blunt, Chris Pine, and Anna Kendrick, who are all big pluses in my book 😉 cheers, girl! Happy Sunday!
This is really hilarious! (and I think we’d get along juuuuust fine in real life ;))
I try the small talk thing, but I’m not always good at it. I need to get better ’cause I could totally use some friends and a date night. I love books so much and have way too many of them. I get the free samples thing but . . . germs! And life is too short to not buy cookie butter and gummy candy and Fruity Pebbles. Balance – it’s all about balance.